That game you call Crying Lightning.

I've left my vibrator at work!

My delivery arrived today at work, I couldn't wait to get home! Then went and left the bloody thing in my desk drawer, how disappointing :( At least the cleaners will get a surprise if they go rooting through my belongings haha!

This would have been my first time, I planned to break my vibrator virginity. Part of me is actually quite scared of the whole idea, just because it's not something I'm used to and I'm not sure how it's going to feel. Fingers crossed and juicy that it's going to be good.



Apart from thinking about my delivery and what I would be getting upto as soon as I reached home, today was even more difficult than yesterday. The lyrics 'and it hurts with every heartbeat' have never felt so true until today. Each time I felt my heart gentley thump in my chest it was as though I'd died a little more, after each beat my heart felt like it was actually having a little piece of itself torn away. Really unpleasant, really weird. Perhaps I've been in denial, I'm trying so hard not to let him have his effect on me but it's proving not as easy as I'm making it out to be to people. Queenie can see through me as well as Wifey - I force these two more than anyone else to listen to my whinging, same shit different day. I like to tell myself I'm truthful to them at all times, but I'm trying to hide that I'm not over him from them.

He uploaded his holiday photographs today. I've looked through every single one at least twice, searching for photo's of him or anything to give away that he was fucking one of the girls there. It shouldn't be my concern as he is not my property, we are not in a relationship and I guess never were properly, it also does not help me get over him by stalking him. Does it Hannah? No Hannah, no it doesn't. Why do you do this to yourself? I really don't know... habit?

Tried saying my head how he looked terrible in the photographs, how skinny and lanky he looks, that his nose isn't perfect, his lips are too big and pouty and his teeth are too long. Then remembered I love every single one of those things.

I love that he is tall and slim. I love his soft pursed lips which are perfect for my kisses, his white and straight teeth that always looks freshly brushed. His mouth tastes delicious, naturally sweet and always fresh - it doesn't taste like chewing gum or toothpaste, it's just the way he tastes which is amazing... Those long and slim legs that go on forever with those strong thighs, which I miss wrapping myself around in bed. The irresistable hair on his firm stomach and the forest of hair on his chest, beautifully soft with a sensually soft scent. I miss kissing his neck more than anything. I'd press my lips against the sensitive skin on his collarbone and neck and feel him move against me, raising his head slightly to draw me in further and take advantage of his vunerability, the gentle moan and sigh he would release as I touched his skin with mine... and it hurts with every heartbeat.

Oh well, got to get over it right? I'm positive that if I had a new 'hobby' I would get through it, I don't think I fell in love with him, but I had a little stumble and ended up really liking him. Poledancing is a great distraction on a Monday night but I need to get something for every other night of the week! Whatever happens, I just have to stop myself from calling the very hench, half Turkish riot police officer.



After comfort eating 2 Kitkats in a row, the four-finger ones as well... and drinking orange juice until it comes out of my ears, I should go. Early start tomorrow, have to try and look fantastic so I can pretend he's the ones missing out and not the other way around.

OH! Tumbledown is back tomorrow! Yaaaay!

Stop all the clocks.

I can't make a decision.

Do I try and change who I am and stamp out all my initial impulses and desires?

Or do I stay strong and continue to be myself?

Most people would say be yourself, don't change who you are - but it seems people are having a hard time accepting who I am. I make friends. Not friends who are only around for one fleeting moment, but friends who last a life time. So why can't I find someone to love me in that special way?

I'd like to say I'm not looking for love considering I've not long come out of a serious relationship (which was my own decision), but once everything is said and done everyone just wants to be loved really, don't they? It's not instant love I desire, but to know that it could go in that direction eventually if we cared enough about each other to put the effort in.

I know who I have my heart set on.

Although I am concerned that perhaps I'm trying to fool myself, it seems in my nature to finally get what I thought I was looking for then to let it crash and burn around me - I'm normally the firestarter. Should I distance myself from him? It's not my intention to hurt him but if I'm honest I think I would, eventually.

I've just skimmed through what I've just written, I'm such a fucking bitch. I hate that I whinge so much, for the record I realise these issues do not mean that the end of the world is nigh! It's just if I don't get it out here I will explode. I'm also rambling away as if something will/has ever happened between me and Scruffy - it won't/hasn't.

Went for a meal tonight and then to the cinema with Pleasurepants and Tampon. I didn't think it would be possible for me to go out without getting wasted and still have a good time, but apparently so! It's quite nice to come back home knowing I haven't got another secret to add to the rapidly growing collection, to come home clear minded and not with regrets. I like to tell myself that they're not regrets, just experimental mistakes which I shall learn from :)

Today was difficult but I'm really proud of myself. I didn't speak to Malinki once. I didn't say hello, didn't ask how his holiday was, didn't phone him for help - it was brilliant! Of course if he had spoken to me I wouldn't have ignored him, I'm not trying to be rude but just protecting myself and showing him that I'm doing just fine without him. Just have to try and stick to it tomorrow as well :) one day at a time and all that jazz.

Desperately searching for someone to look after my two beautiful cats, it absolutely breaks my heart that I can't have them with me and I feel so incredibly guilty.

xxx I love you both more than the world. You're my little girls and were always there for snuggles and kitten kisses when things were difficult. I wish I could be with you every single second of every single day - always and forever xxx

Tends moi ta et suis mon chemin.

Queenie reckons I've messed everything up... I told her about the pointless textathon between me and Scruffy which happened Friday night through to the early hours of Saturday.
She emailed me at work after I'd sent her an essay to read (she does insist on knowing every detail) about the particular pickle I'd gotten myself into this time, she said she was really angry with me for messing up our 'plan', she fumed how he would just take the piss with me now and to forget him.
After sitting with her at around 5pm we had a little chat, she'd cooled down a bit by then and thinks it's a promising sign that he didn't respond to my 'Do you even realise I like you?' message. Apparently it will give him 'food for thought' when he's on holiday. Personally I think he's going to be so fucked out of his skull he won't think about me even for a split second, I also think that not replying to my text is just an easy way to get out of a situation - much like I was hoping for yesterday with SJ!
I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, I can tell I'm just setting myself up for disappointment but it makes me feel good when I think about him. Secretly I've saved 2 photographs of him on my laptop, I've just taken a sneaky peek - yum.

As I still feel slightly hungover from Saturday and my muscles are aching all over, I've skipped my class tonight. I'm annoyed with myself because not only have I paid in advance but I really enjoy it as well! I walk back home feeling strong and confident, not because I feel sexy but because it's my little secret. Looking at me you wouldn't think I'm the type because I'm not a skinny or delicate girl and my sex appeal averages daily at zero, so I think it just gives me that kick to say 'Yeah, I might not be a foxy lady but at least I'm having fun being myself!'

It's 8pm and I'm going to have to go to sleep because I'm exhausted. I also want to make sure I get up extra early to make myself look fabulous tomorrow - Malinki is back. I'm not trying to win him back but boy do I want to make him see what he missed out on!
I can't wait for the day when he begs me for attention, when he asks me nervously if we can try things again and I say NO.

It'll never happen, but a girl can dream :)

"I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem."

Managed to sleep for a couple of hours, restless sleep though unfortunately.
I received this text message at 13:31 from SJ- 'Hey just going into work for a bit but home later. Do you fancy meeting later maybe for a bite to eat or something. If after that you think what a complete twat then no worries but it would be nice to see you again. Text me and let me know. No worries if not. P.s. I got bite marks on me ha'
I've not responded and it's now 18:36... He's 14 years my senior, it just doesn't seem smart. My bedroom window has been open all day and I'm actually worried he'll just appear at it and loom over me...

All I have done today is hide in my bedroom, glued to my laptop after discovering www.someoneoncetoldme.com
I've also been logged into Facebook all day and although I don't really want to own up to it, I've just been waiting for Malotti to sign in and hoping he'd send me an IM. Which by the way he did!
It was about half an hour ago, so I'd been waiting for quite a while! Nothing of much interest was said, my new status is 'Les Hommes, c'est comme les melons, il faut en tater 10 pour en trouver un bon.' So his opening line was 'men are like melons?' I have to say though that he is a complete fucking idiot, I am falling over myself to try and just catch a few seconds with him or just for a 3 line IM and him just asking me about my status made me beam, it made my chest feel tight and that feeling is going to keep me going for so long. For him to mess me around makes him an idiot because if him uttering just a few simple words makes me so happy and instantly wraps me round his little finger, why would you shy away from that? He would be adored, he would get away with so much like he already does to be honest, because I crave his attention. I shouldn't think so little of myself but it's just part of who I am, because he could walk all over me and I'd just put up with it because I don't want to scare him away. He's obviously not interested in starting something with me because in my opinion he should have leapt at the chance by now, and there have been a few opportunities! Yet I can't let it lie? I'm answering my own questions as men are obviously incapable of communication, but not accepting my own answers. To really get your head round something and get over it and on with it if necessary, you need to hear it from the man. Only then does it really sink in, it either crushes you like a tonne of concrete or utterly elates you and lifts you up so high you're flying.
Do men know this? Do they realise how much simpler it would all be if they just gave us a few words to work on, something that might give away the plot to this horrific tragedy of a relationship? So we wouldn't have to up the crazy and come across like a total nutcase because we don't know how to handle it, then we're so stretched out trying to contain these feelings and thoughts we explode and unleash our inner Miss. Mental? Not intentionally, it's just how we're programmed - if men took a step back and assessed the situation, surely they should have caught on by now and learned a few tricks? JUST GIVE A LITTLE!

Another text message: 'So can we meet up again. Sorry to bug you just thought you were fun. If not just text no and i wont text again. Would be cool though'. I genuinely think it's such a shame he's 14 years older than me and (possibly) addicted to steroids :)
I'm asking myself over and over in my head if I want to see him but the fact I haven't text back all day and ignored numerous phonecalls pretty much answers my questions. I did have a good time and he's built like a brick shit house which is very appealing (steroid enduce or not who knows) but I can't stop thinking about Malotti.
I've just replied, I feel guilty for messing him around but my text didn't really clear anything up... 'Hi, sorry I haven't recovered from last night yet. I was so drunk I still feel ill. I had a good time but don't know what I want at the moment. Part of me would like to meet up maybe at some point, but the rest of me doesn't know what it wants at all. Sorry.' God I'm a bitch aren't I? He did say that he wasn't looking for a relationship, I think... ?
Response received: 'Yeah no thats cool. I was very drunk too. (Is that why you remained flaccid or was that the drugs you pump into yourself to get that physique?) Im not after anything dont want anything serious at all i work too much. Well i shall leave it with you. Just text me in the future if you fancy meeting up. Take care.'
Though I should remain nice and dignify it with a reply also: 'Thank you for a nice night SJ, it was fun. Take care and remember, say no to drugs!' I had to get it in there somewhere. I'm pushing it to be honest, he seems the type of guy who'd quite easily knock my block off for giving it a bit of cheek. Fingers crossed he doesn't remember where I live.
'Yeah your funny aint you ha. No more piercings think you got enough. Well i hope we do meet your quite funny for a bird ha. Take care' Phew.

Well it's taken me forever to not really write much.
Malotti goes on holiday tomorrow at 5PM, I might pretend that he's going to miss me.
Most difficult decision I have to make now is whether to get a chinese takeaway or not? Oh, that and how do I cover up a dodgy looking 'lovebite' on my neck at work tomorrow...

10:15 Saturday night and the tap drips under the strip light.

It's 08:39am - I'm still drunk and I haven't slept a wink.

Let's just call him SJ... - so hocked up on steroids he can't get it up, another nightmare to add to the secret collection. A police officer as well!
Just received a text 'Can i call you and maybe see you tonight'. I really shouldn't, not only am I a notorious serial texter who is desperately trying to prevent herself from responding but what the fuck am I getting myself into? I don't need this shit.
He's a nice guy with a good sense of humour but I honestly think there may be an issue with steroids, deep scars on his shoulders, one on his chest. Ingrowing hair? I think not sunshine.
Fuck now he's phoning me... ignore ignore ignore. 1 missed call.
I'm so tired but can't sleep knowing that not only is my flatmate in but also his mother, I'm positive they heard us either in my room or trying to lock the front door in a drunken stupor once he'd left. (The lock is a little dodgy so SJ and the guns decided slamming the door repeatedly would fix it... no.) I need some proper food to soak up the vodka, these oriental crackers are not doing the trick.
Even when all this has happened I just find myself thinking about 'Scruffy', all I want to do is text him and see how his evening went. He said he was baby sitting but it could easily be a lie.
He's a genuinely nice guy but seems intent on giving the impression of being a total tosser. The problem is that once I start liking someone I jump right in with both feet, so it seems anyway after my 'Malinki' experience. I know Malinki came back from his holiday yesterday, I hate admitting to myself that I'm thinking about it but it's in the very back of my mind just slithering in and out of my thoughts; although it's unwanted.
I need to phone Tumbledown but I can't even muster the energy for that at the moment, also Queen needs an update to be informed that some serious damage control is needed for the Scruffy/Malotti/Dick fiasco on Friday.


I'm going to try and have a little sleep now, perhaps when I wake up I can start typing sense...

A short introduction.

Since leaving my partner about 2 months ago, I've attempted to gather ideas, thoughts and troubles together and scribble them all down in a hardback notebook - now I've decided to upgrade! My notes may not make sense to outsiders as they're full of codes names, abbreviations and in-jokes - but this whole project is essentially for my own benefit. This is a vain attempt to stop myself from going crazy, to try and release the chaos inside my head.
I have one main rule:

• I will not lie, exaggerate or hide details through embarassment or any other reason. I need to be true to myself as I'm not trying to write an interesting story which is appealing for others, it's for a little personal self-therapy.